Juice

Bourbon has started tasting like apple juice to me and I don’t know what that means.

Wait, yes I do. It means I’m a fucking alcoholic. (Note: I said that in a half-joking way, so it it doesn’t count.)

Here’s another idea, both bourbon and apple juice have the same base ingredient, which gives them a similar flavor. It’s like how deep-fried pickles and deep-fried gizzards taste the same.

All right, if I understand the distillation process correctly, and I don’t, the sugar floating around in the oak barrel turns into alcohol or eats away the stuff that is trying to dissolve the alcohol or fertilizes fish eggs with a mighty bow. Or something. My dad said the alcohol turns back into sugar in your body, so, however sugar is involved, my justification for drinking liquor over beer is dumb.

Whatever, you know I look good, Dad.

I really don’t think I have to make an argument about apple juice being all sugar, except possibly to Past Me. Past Me got told a few years ago that apple juice was a fruit juice like Orange Crush was a fruit juice because it is not fruit juice at all most of the time.

“Oh yeah,” a friend said when I told him about it. “My brother used to drink apple juice all the time. Man, he got so fat.”

That’s all right, I like super-real apple juice better than regular apple juice anyway. “What the hell is super-real apple juice?” you might say. REVELATION: It’s called cider, fuckers.

And I’ll tell you what, the world/I need a store that sells seasonal drinks all year round. Cider, eggnog, glogg. The whole deal.

The world/I also need a store that puts their freshest milk closer to the front of the freezer. This way, I won’t have to move old-ass milk out of the way to get to stuff that will be good five days from now. Look, I feel guilty when the store employees are back there stocking the fridge, like, “What in the fuck is that sack-tissue doing? Ugh, we’ll never sell all this old milk that no one wants at this rate.”
But let me ask you this, as gross as drinking human milk would be, is it really that much grosser than drinking the substance that comes from the teat of a cow? OK, that’s a stupid analogy because I just thought about how we eat stuff from animals all the time and not from people.

Hmm, I just realized someone could convince me men can produce milk.