I drove to the gym today which is three blocks away from where I live. “Look, I don’t have the time, Me, so stop giving me shit,” I said. And when I got there (and before I stepped on the tread mill for a five-minute walk), I went to hang up my coat on a wood hanger.
Creek, slump, flop. It fell to the floor.
At that point, I became too stubborn to remove the hanger from the rack, trying, instead, to hang and zip the coat up around the hanger. This worked not at all because it’s impossible to zip up a free-floating coat. Try it.
More impossible, though, is trying not to sound like an asshole after you’ve stuttered in the middle of leaving a voice mail.
“Hey, Morgan, this is Dave,” you might say. “Just wanted to see if you were heading out or something. Just, when you find out, let me what you guys were up toe, er, to… up to, up to.
“Sorry, that was stupid, I don’t know why I said ‘toe’. It could be because I’m looking at my feet as we speak. Well, I guess it’s just me not speaking at this point. Lonely old me (laughs). Sorry, that sounded desperat and I’m not trying to guilt you into anything or whatever because… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Um. Yeah … Just give me a call back or whatever you get the chance so okay bye … Wait. Do you have my number? You have my number. Cool. Alright. Buh-bye. Buh-bye? Sorry, I mean, not sorry. Alright, talk to you later bye.”
