4/6

I was going to write a mock-adolescent post about the arbitrary nature of designated periods of time and, oh, isn’t life more like the seasons so turn turn turn. And then I realized that’s been done, soooo done and plus the “that’s soooo done” Me is just the Jetta to the “arbitrary nature of designated periods of time” Me driving my mom’s Chrysler van.

Anyway. This year was four parts crock, six parts shit.

Lost:

1. My cat (Muffin)
2. My mind (more or less. will to power and what have you)
3. My fledging belief in goddishness
4. My fledgling belief in the maternal-side hairline
5. My grandfather
6. 20 pounds
7. (In)hibition

In the Winter

“In the Winter” by Fine China. Worth it alone for the coquettish background cooing too high (not) to sing a long with. I’ve noticed I wave my hand like a giant foam finger when singing in general–somewhere between reprimand and “that’s gonna be a hit tune, kid” disbelief.
Did I once see these young men at a Christian music festival? Did they have the misfortune to share a record label with Switchfoot at one point? Possibly, but consider this Mr. Sass: did you or did you not have a flannel shirt tied around your waste at some point during middle school and was or was not Fine China’s last album titled “You Make Me Hate Music”?

Wouldn’t you know it
When the lights go up it’s all okay.

Plural Trash

If an item of clothing is expensive, it must be spoken of in the singular.
Wrong: “These are cuffed pants.”
Right: “This is a cuffed pant.”
Wrong: “These are excellent running shoes.”
Right: “This is an excellent running shoe.”
Wrong: “I, of course, prefer these swimming goggles.”
Right: “I, of course, prefer this swimming goggle.”

A family album scroll-down ride you won’t forget.

Cycle/No Cycle? I suspect my indignation resulting from a performance by Cowboy Troy on a Regis and Kelly is similar to the feeling a black person experiences when they notice me listening to hip-hop.

I got mad at my girlfriend for liking this movie

I saw Cinderella Man last night, and, as when (throughout my childhood) I would see a movie at the dollar theater several months after its original release, I realize no one cares. However, dialogue under the artful and poised direction of Ron Howard (Edtv, The Grinch, The Da Vinci Code) demands limitless venue:

1. My heart’s for my family, Joe, my brains and my balls are for business and this is business. You got me?
2. You are the champion of my heart, James J. Braddock.
3. Every time you get hit, it feels like I’m getting’ hit too.
4. I have to believe that when things are bad I can change them.

Through the Wire

Bush now…
Do I have the legal authority to do this? And the answer is, absolutely.

Bush in April, 2004…
Secondly, there are such things as roving wiretaps. Now, by the way, any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires — a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the way. When we’re talking about chasing down terrorists, we’re talking about getting a court order before we do so. It’s important for our fellow citizens to understand, when you think Patriot Act, constitutional guarantees are in place when it comes to doing what is necessary to protect our homeland, because we value the Constitution.
(redirected from antiwar.com)

Impeach Bush now.

Wonderful Christmastime

Jesus is the reason for the season. Because:
1.) It rhymes.
2.) The the second syllable in Christmas sounds too Catholic.
3.) Jesus and evergreens are, like, both alive all year round.
4.) It’s always been this way.
5.) Liberal conspiracy!
6.) Uncle Allen reads a chapter from the New Testament before we open gifts.
7.) Red represents the blood of our Lord; green is the pastures….I…doth…lie in?
8.) Wal-mart = King Herod.
9.) He was born then. I made him a cake once.
10.) A Jew is pardoned from hell every time you say “Happy Holidays”.

Halitosis and Weathermen

On-location newscasters often begin, “Here I am…” and respond to questions “In reality…” What is this, the fucking metaphysical report?
And why are criminals at-large always “roaming” or “prowling”? This is disquieting and, rather than lions, I suggest allusions to hamsters. “There are no leads in the case, but police are convinced the rapist is still scampering about the city.”

I wish we had alchemists instead of halitosis and weathermen.

A recent Manwich commercial featured an all-American family enthusiastically enjoying an all-American lunch with the all-American canned beef byproduct as the source of their respective delights. The genre of the accompanying Manwich jingle? Reggae.

Ugg boots are hot. There.

Postcard

Postcard from a polish girl:

Sorry it took me so long to write. I guess I didn’t have anything interesting to say. I still don’t, but I just wanted you to know that I didn’t.

Things I Learned I Didn’t Already Know

Introduction to my Critical Theory final.

Things I Learned I Didn’t Already Know
There’s a Simpsons episode where Lisa becomes so bored with the juvenile intellects of her 4th-grade peers that she disguises herself as a college student. As she and a college friend are changing for yoga class, Lisa spots a Pynchon novel in the girl’s gym bag. “You’re reading Gravity’s Rainbow?” she admires. “Re-reading Gravity’s Rainbow,” the girl clarifies. Whoever you like less in that scenario—that was me at the beginning of the semester. Before this course, I was inclined to drop “text”, “semantics”, and “Derrida” in conversations and quickly decry the consideration of “author intentionality” as part of any literary discussion. I realize now (a) that’s all I essentially knew and (b) I’m a jerk. As suspected, my mind stores the information of a scholarly work by disregarding all but the most trivial facts at the end of five weeks. Past experiences with both literary theory and elementary school are no exceptions. Last semester, I wrote an in-depth (and well received) paper on Foucault, but all I can recall about it is that the speech was analogized in a book with glossy orange color. Further, I still recite the ABC song when I need to know whether “v” comes before or after “u”. Conclusion? I know very little but will use that information whenever it becomes socially advantageous. This is unlikely to change.

Pistachios, Almonds

If I had any business sense and this was a good idea, do you know what would be a good idea? Poopsicles! Resembling feces frozen to a tongue suppressor, this after-meal treat of bananas, pistachios, almonds and moosetracks ice cream would be a sensation among gag-gifters. Located on the aisle four (next to the lava lamps and synthetic vomit) of all fine Spencer’s retail stores.