Michael Sessions, I respect your arching and innocuous fiery Molotov cocktail apple pie novelty. And by “respect” I mean “covet” with Mosaic-Law-execute-my-ass-for-stealing-your-mule vigor.
Michael Sessions, have you heard of Sid Vicious? No? Well, he made a name for himself on the basis of being musically inept and killing his girlfriend. He died at 21. Do you know how old I am, Michael Sessions? I’m 22 and, by the way, unknown.
Anyway, the other week you come sweeping across morning shows without even changing your polo shirt between appearances and saying “Yeah, uhh, I’m a high school senior and maybe I’ll go to Hillsdale College next year.” Do you know what that means, Michael Sessions? It means I will graduate with a bachelor of arts from the college “that one 18-year-old mayor” attended.
Watch your back, Sessions, because I am so setting you up with Argentinean transvestite.
