A sophomore in fencing attire started whistling the Andy Griffith theme song and I came near to leveling that hokey son of a bitch.
Saying you “almost”, “just about”, or “came near” to doing something is a convenient way of receiving partial to full credit for inaction.
Archive for October, 2005
Bunday Sunday
October 30, 2005On the way back from my girlfriend’s apartment, I saw the Weinermobile heading south on Interstate 69.
Where even to begin…
Especially in particular
October 28, 2005I was going to make an allusion to Jeff Foxworthy and then I (especially) hated myself for doing so. But it had to do with college and the punchline was this: “Dude, I have a killer bio exam tomorrow.”
15
October 25, 2005
Not particularly esoteric or idiosyncratic, but
15 Favorite Albums
Arcade Fire – Funeral
Cap’n Jazz – Analphabetapolothology
The Cure – Disintegration
Decemberists – Her Majesty
Billie Holiday – Greatest Hits
Blind Willie Johnson – Dark Was the Night
M83 – Before the Dawn Heels Us
Modest Mouse – Building Nothing out of Something
Modest Mouse – Lonesome Crowded West
Elliott Smith – Either/Or
The Strokes – Is This It
Talib Kweli – Reflection Eternal
Wilco – A.M.
Tom Waits – Mule Variations
Hank Williams – Greatest Hits
Tamale Ali
October 23, 2005The question isn’t
Is life meaningful?
but begins
Given that life is meaningless…
i.e. “Given that life is meaningless, why does it also have to be miserable and difficult?”
or “Given that life is meaningless, why did they move the mailbox three blocks north?”
Rubles
October 20, 2005Thomas’ father worried about the inflation of the ruble.
“Do you know how many rubles it would take…” he would say as they took up a second offering from the folding chair congregation, “Oh, but look at their architecture.” Whirrrrr. slide, chik. slide, chik. slide.
He also worried about, or maybe just prevented whenever possible, Thomas and I listening to Top 40 radio on B106.3. B-b-b-beeeee 1-0-6.
Thomas said, though, two years ago Thomas’ mother found Thomas’ father at the kitchen table with a glass of gasoline and everyone was embarrassed.
The Chicken
October 13, 2005I’m not an eco-terrorist. And if I was, I’d make a point to find a region more tropical to firebomb SUVs, coffee shops, and laboratories.
If, however, I had penchant for that sort of thing (which I don’t) and attended Hillsdale College (which I do), I’d take my gas and matches to a number of cars bearing a particular bumper sticker. As sagacious as “peeing Calvin“, the sticker reads “the footprint of the American chicken” beneath the stencil of peace sign.
Zing!
Maybe the you-won’t-put-a-firecracker-in-this-cat’s-butt-so-you’re-gay jibe is above me. Maybe I haven’t watched Patton enough. Maybe I suspect an objection to the deaths of 25,000 innocent Iraqi civilians isn’t something you can shirk off with a joke about hippies.
But you can’t talk about that. Because we, arbiters of Western Civilization, know Iraqis, Afghans, and Koreans aren’t really people – at least not like we are.
But that’s just a cost of war.
Go on and repeat that to yourself like as you listen to reaffirming talk radio. Repeat it like a rosary as you vote straight-ticket Republican. Repeat it over and over and over again as you talk about “America” as some grandiose platonic form.
Repeat it to yourself when you realize the volumes one sticker can reveal about what a despicable human being you are.
Given Uranus
October 11, 2005With Uranus as a given, proper nouns that are godsends to 5th grade boys:
-Rick Moranis
-Dick’s Sporting Goods
-The Butt Hut ( Fremont, IN)
-Gay’s Party Store (Angola, IN)
Beige and Dishes
October 10, 2005
In a living room. Beige and dishes.
Shmaugust. Do you know where all the broken glass in the driveway came from?
Shmave. Probably from all the “glass I broke in the driveway”.
Shmaugust. Oh.
Shmave. Yah.
